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Caring, Ghosts and Friendships
Dec. 4th, 2005 10:12 pmHmm.
I am in a thoughtful mood this evening. The last few days have been illuminating, so say the least.
It has made me think about what I value in my friends, and what I need, which we all know is a growing trend in my thought process lately, and this weekend has shown more.
Its been a cammie weekend, with lots of interstate visitors coming to play in Melbourne this weekend, including 2 very dear friends who I miss very much from Sydney. This was good. And game on Friday night was good too, I had fun plotty stuff happening.
Then on Saturday I played Mage, and then Stephen and I went to the SCA feast. Stephen danced, and I did not, and we caught up with many many friends that I have not seen in ages.
We listened to the King and Queen of Lochac give a speech on how a new Stormhold Baron and Baroness would be appointed (the SCAdians will get this) in view of recent events, and it nearly made me cry. The reason why was because it was so incredibly clear that they and many others valued this club they were part of, valued that they were part of what most SCAdian's call the Dreame. Also that a lot of work was going into making sure that the barony survived and prospered, after a year or more of great trials.
It was a realisation of what this club and its members were about, and how far short the Camarilla falls. I do not mean to say that the Camarilla does not try, or its members do not try, but there are problems within the Camarilla, and apathy has griped its membership in terms of doing something about it. I do not get the same sense of caring from the Cam as I do from the SCA, not for the club, its members, and individuals.
It was a sensation of mixed feelings having this, coupled with some disorientation - this was the hall I was drugged and assaulted in. I realised because memory kept flickering at the edges, the lighting, the angles of the windows, the height of the ceiling, the nooks and crannies around the building. The sadness that occassionally took hold as I realised that it was a pattern I had carried with me even before I remembered.
I am more stable than I expected given this was the first time since I remembered anything that I stood in that hall.
I was not brilliantly stable at the time, but I felt cared for by the many people who were around me the friends and acquaintances that were so pleased to see me back, and meet Stephen, and catch up. So I felt mostly safe. It was only ghosts.
In a way I am relieved about that. I am still processing what is happening to me emotionally because of this, and the sub-conscious memory was quite strange, but so was the sense of comfort and caring around me.
It makes part of me want to cry with relief.
I am in a thoughtful mood this evening. The last few days have been illuminating, so say the least.
It has made me think about what I value in my friends, and what I need, which we all know is a growing trend in my thought process lately, and this weekend has shown more.
Its been a cammie weekend, with lots of interstate visitors coming to play in Melbourne this weekend, including 2 very dear friends who I miss very much from Sydney. This was good. And game on Friday night was good too, I had fun plotty stuff happening.
Then on Saturday I played Mage, and then Stephen and I went to the SCA feast. Stephen danced, and I did not, and we caught up with many many friends that I have not seen in ages.
We listened to the King and Queen of Lochac give a speech on how a new Stormhold Baron and Baroness would be appointed (the SCAdians will get this) in view of recent events, and it nearly made me cry. The reason why was because it was so incredibly clear that they and many others valued this club they were part of, valued that they were part of what most SCAdian's call the Dreame. Also that a lot of work was going into making sure that the barony survived and prospered, after a year or more of great trials.
It was a realisation of what this club and its members were about, and how far short the Camarilla falls. I do not mean to say that the Camarilla does not try, or its members do not try, but there are problems within the Camarilla, and apathy has griped its membership in terms of doing something about it. I do not get the same sense of caring from the Cam as I do from the SCA, not for the club, its members, and individuals.
It was a sensation of mixed feelings having this, coupled with some disorientation - this was the hall I was drugged and assaulted in. I realised because memory kept flickering at the edges, the lighting, the angles of the windows, the height of the ceiling, the nooks and crannies around the building. The sadness that occassionally took hold as I realised that it was a pattern I had carried with me even before I remembered.
I am more stable than I expected given this was the first time since I remembered anything that I stood in that hall.
I was not brilliantly stable at the time, but I felt cared for by the many people who were around me the friends and acquaintances that were so pleased to see me back, and meet Stephen, and catch up. So I felt mostly safe. It was only ghosts.
In a way I am relieved about that. I am still processing what is happening to me emotionally because of this, and the sub-conscious memory was quite strange, but so was the sense of comfort and caring around me.
It makes part of me want to cry with relief.
